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My suicide story

In light of recent events I feel like now is a good time for me to tell my story and experiences with depression and suicide and why Robin Williams’s death really upset me.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 9 years-old by a counselor and depression has weighed me down most of my life. I first starting having suicidal thoughts when I was about 12 and attempted for the first time when I was 16 as well as harming myself. Obviously i wasn’t successful and I’m thankful every day that I survived. Most of my family and friends don’t know this so I’m sorry if this upsets you or comes as a shock. I don’t want sympathy because I made it out okay and I can say no matter how hard things get, I don’t believe I will ever fall back into that severe of depression.
The summer before my senior year of high school I saw Good Will Hunting for the first time and it was the first movie that helped me realize that things can get better and the iconic scene where Sean tells Will “it’s not your fault” repeatedly really hit home for me. And though I still struggle with my depression, I have recently realized that it really isn’t my fault and, more importantly, I am in control of my life. No one else is responsible to make me happy but myself and that’s really pushed me to have hope and do what I can to make myself happy. Fortunately for me, what makes me most happy in life is making others happy.
That same summer I started becoming better friends with Sarah. We went to high school together but she graduated two years before me. I found out she was at The college where I was planning on going. we started talking and hanging out and every night that summer before going to bed I’d text her “goodnight, remember to smile” then follow it with some reason to smile whether silly or serious. This phrase became what made our friendship so great because if either of us was dealing with an issue we could count on the other to give a reason to smile. My first tattoo i got last summer is on my upper back and it says “remember to smile” in Sarah’s handwriting. I keep it as a constant reminder of why I am still here today. If it wasn’t for Sarah and many of my other supportive friends, I don’t know if I’d still be here today, and for that I am thankful.
I love to make people happy. I firmly believe that people remember you for two things: if you made them happy or if you made them upset. Seems like the most pleasant way to be remembered is to make people happy. This is why I love performing; acting, music, and telling jokes are my ways of making people happy as well as being there for someone when they need a friend or just someone to listen. I think Mr. Williams felt the same about bringing joy to people by doing what he loved and did best.
Some people ask “how could someone as happy and funny as Robin Williams be so depressed he couldn’t go on?” I, to an extent, understand why. Depression is a crippling condition that leaves you hopeless and no matter how happy you seem on the outside, you can still be suffering on the inside.
I don’t believe suicide is selfish…for the most part. I do think some people commit suicide for very wrong reasons, but I firmly believe that if you haven’t been there, you can’t fully understand. It’s hard to understand Unless you’ve felt that deep sense of hopelessness and feeling like a burden or annoyance to everyone around you to the point that the most logical thing your mind tells you is that they are better off without you.
Everyone is entitled to their opinions and I welcome them. I also am in no way excusing my actions nor am I stating that it’s okay or acceptable to take your own life. There are always people who care, even if they may not seem to and there is always hope. If you ever feel hopeless or need someone to talk to if you are having suicidal thoughts call the national suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255. Also, you can talk to me if you ever need help, advice, or even just someone to listen. I’m not saying I am perfect, but I understand it’s not your fault you feel this way and I want to help. I’m always a message away. Please, if you are ever feeling this way don’t be afraid to talk about it. Thank you for reading.

So even though I didn’t contribute any to recording this, this is the debut album by Remember to Breathe, the band I now play bass for. I would really appreciate it if you all could pick up a copy and spread the word. You can pick up a physical copy at Last Stop CD Shop or Ernie November, or download it on iTunes for only $10. I also have a few physical copies so if you’re interested please text me at 605-251-0883

So even though I didn’t contribute any to recording this, this is the debut album by Remember to Breathe, the band I now play bass for. I would really appreciate it if you all could pick up a copy and spread the word. You can pick up a physical copy at Last Stop CD Shop or Ernie November, or download it on iTunes for only $10. I also have a few physical copies so if you’re interested please text me at 605-251-0883

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